this is [not] another post about trauma
a moment where my anxiety gives way to the winter solstice
I opened my substack page to write a kind of “close the semester” message. I learned a lot this semester, including grading waits for no bitch.
I thank my past self for believing I could do all this change. Over the last three years I have moved into a schedule that I get to lead. It’s meant I have been able to fill my time with side editing jobs, personal writing, participating in community events, and even enjoy my strange sleep tendencies. Still, this semester was more challenging than I realized. I have to appreciate my new way of life because it let me ease into and give time to major changes. Among those changes, a new book and selling my home.
The first reading for the book was in San Antonio and I read in to a full room inside a small coffee shop. That the audience was predominantly queer and women made it easier to read. To have the beautiful poetry of Lace Garcia and Aida “Cuppycake” Rodriguez speak with my own work made me feel like we were building community right there. I can smile and laugh now while I’m reading through the difficult poems of the matchstick litanies but that first reading was difficult so I was especially glad to have family present. I realized in that reading that I wasn’t hurting others when I read the work - I was fearful of reading such honest work about difficult memories - but I was speaking for those who have struggled with similar.
The house sale brought up all kinds of emotions and critical reconfiguring. I was pained with the number of years I tried for a happy home, where I bought into the American Dream, not for myself but for those in my family who valued this idea and who wanted it for me. There were also issues with my feeling like I wasn’t capable in maintaining a physical home by myself when I have always been so sure in my capability. It’s been a lot to untangle. It’s been a lot to say “I see that I’m carrying shame and judgement but they don’t hold value in the things I value”.
Liberation in all things takes work. I won’t hurry that experience or that process. in particular during this time I am enjoying this winter solstice. As I made this move from an 8 to 5 with a kid and a partner and a house into my current single life in a new town and completing my master’s degree, I have incorporated quiet and natural rhythms. Some part of us as humans can’t help but be impacted by the changing seasons. In anticipation of the holidays and the end of the semester I bought comfort items, including hot chocolate, snacks, and simple meals. I have a stack of books ready for my enjoyment (including the phenomenal and elegiac “the wild delight of wild things” by Brian Turner). I bought drawing paper and pencils. More than any other incoming winter, I am looking forward to and relishing this quiet time. This is me saying I’ve done some hard and challenging work the last few months. I deserve to be wrapped in velvet during the longest night of the year.
The weather in the RGV has been mild though cloudy. This afternoon I packed myself a cup of coffee and a croissant and drove to a nearby park to enjoy some outside time. While there a poem came to me. I’m still working on it but the word beguiling kept returning. To charm or enchant. The clouds. The lives we live. The beliefs we tell ourselves. The world that unfolds for us. It’s all so beautiful, no? Made more charismatic because we are encompassed by darkness during this short time. Soon enough we will have rested and the world will wake again. The sun will strengthen and we will fall in love again with the potential and the light. For now, however, we are in the work and the grace of necessary quiet.
Happy Solstice, todx.
-jo
p.s. I’ve been fortunate to work with folks in the recent past (and hopeful future!) who have made space for me and my new book. Check out this book review by Carmen Calatayud (whose gorgeous new book will be out in Spring 2024), this interview by Esteban Rodriguez and this one by Laura Villarreal.
p.s.s. I’ll be doing a workshop centered on testimonios at Red Salmon Arts on January 13, 2024. Add it to your calendar if you are near Austin, TX.